नींव

                              image courtesy Google images.       

               

मैं हूँ एक चंचल सैलानी , आना जाना ..जाकर, फिर आना ..

यही है मेरी कहानी .

                              तुम्हारी खुबसूरत वादियों ने जब पुकारा ,तो आकर्षित हुए बिना न रह सकी .

                               विशाल गिरी सा हृदय ,उन्नत गर्वित शीर्ष ,

                               समतल पर हिम हो जैसे ,श्वेत शुभ्र और नर्म .

अथाह सागर सा व्यक्तित्व ,अल्हड नदिया सा कलकल स्वर ...

धुले शीशे से, पारदर्शी- तुम,

ठगी सी रह गयी मैं .

                                 पर तूफां ने किसको छोड़ा है ...

                                 हर पौधे को छेड़ा है और हर कली को तोडा है .

उखड़ते डेरे के साथ -साथ ,जब मेरे पावं भी तुम्हारी जमीं से उखड़ते प्रतीत हुए ,

तो मैंने घबराकर तुम्हारी तरफ देखा ...

                                   तुम्हारी मुस्कान ने बहुत कुछ बयाँ कर दिया ,

                                    तुम्हारी आखें मानो कह रही हों ...

डेरे का उखड़ना तो शुभ हुआ ,नींव तो पहले ही डाल चुकीं 

क्या बसेरा नहीं करोगी?  

            

अलफ़ाज़ और अहसास

                                               image from google images


मुझे कुछ कहना है ...

   

        अलफ़ाज़, कहीं किसी कोने से निकले 

        और जेहेन तक आते -आते न जाने कहाँ गुम हो गए ..

         मुझे  अहसास हुआ कि वे निकले ,मेला किये और धुआं गुबार सा उड़ा कर 

         बादल कि तरह हवा हो गए 

                             न किसी को छुआ ,न उनके होने का अहसास हुआ ...

मुझे कुछ सुनना है ....

            अल्फाजों की आहट सी हुई,

             मेरे कानों में पड़े ज़रूर...

              पर अधर ,सिमटे -सकुचाते से दामन बचाते हुए ,

              आये और गुम हो गए  .

                               न किसी को छुआ ,न उनके होने का अहसास हुआ ...

सिर्फ सुनाई भर देते हैं दिल को न छूने वाले अलफ़ाज़ 

उनकी तीखी -मीठी छुअन ही दिलाती है उनके होने का अहसास .

  

                               

  

Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara ,Farhan and Zoya at PVR

                                                             image-courtesy google images

To say that I was looking forward to Zindagi na milegi dobara (ZNMD) ,will be an understatement.We ,as a family, live through the week looking forward to new movie releases every Friday and thanks to multiplexes ,manage to enjoy the movies on the day they release.This Friday was no different as I made sure all body parts were gathered in one place before I went to book tickets : Head (moi),Body (Hobbs -the hubby) and the extremities (Cookie and Muffin).I had to pat my back when I was informed at the PVR, Juhu  ( no other place for me, for movies) booking counter that the only show I could get four tickets together ,was the 6.50pm show and that all other shows were full.  I was not surprised to see the hands of the clock joined together in glee to mock 6.30 pm in my face.Point-1 , in favor of PVR-close proximity from home in case of emergencies like this,you can just hop in ,no need to skip and jump or even drive for that matter .
While I asked for four tickets to Zindagi...Muffin tugged at my purse to state that he changed his mind and he wanted to see Harry Potter first.There was no time for convincing etc so,three for zindagi and one for Harry potter 7.30pm.You sure HP ..alone..Yup, he said and  couldn't contain his smile.Murphy's laws never leave you alone in any life situation and  the counter staff promptly changed duties at that very moment.My facial muscles twitched as they exchanged more than duties and pleasantries ,as the next person filled the new  ticket roll,as he corrected the mistake of  the previous girl ( that could have landed four of us in 'chillar party' instead of HP and ZNMD) ,asked me my preference for seats and finally handed me the tickets.Meanwhile glued -to- TV- Hobbs and glued-to -bed-cookie ,both after a tiring day ,were bbm-ed  a smiley and and 6.50.Seconds later I my bb started pinging furiously as expected.I was used to the drill and pinged back: house keys with me,doesn't matter if you do not have cash ,no I won't sell cookies ticket,she can join after she is done with sleep,will leave her ticket with the doorman,Muffin has time to kill before his show,so your ticket he has and LAST but not at all the least..battery low .Phew!!done for the show.Muffin extracted 200 bucks and some  change ..and waited for Hobbs and Cookie .

                                                      image-courtesy google images

I rushed past an army of press photographers and suddenly  braked in my tracks to see a face in front of me asking in a shrill excited voice,-"kuch hua, ya hone waala hai??"Wha...!The eagerness and excitement could never, ever belong to a Mumbaikar's face and I didn't have the heart to ignore her."You see,two big movie releases today ,stars expected,that is why .." I said. Forget me,she forgot herself ,when she saw Farhan and Zoya alight from their suv.Me Mumbaikar ,so I did the expected,made sure I had a good look from only the corner of my eyes,felt glad at the sight and walked towards the lift.
Point 2 in favor of PVR,the regular  eye-candy  crowd of movie buffs and the regular spottings of  star eye -candy for company .I love it !
It was 6.50pm and my feet were restlessly tapping on the floor as I waited for the lift.My not-so-petite frame was first in line..Another eye contact as Farhan and Zoya joined us and then the voice of the eye-contact whispered -"You mind taking the next lift?" Ok ,I swear ,I love these situations..Farhan forgotten,I braced myself to give the offending guy a BIG piece of my (brainy) mind.Ask any Mumbaikar ,it takes really extraordinary circumstances for him  to forgo his place in any queue .The poor guy was saved from the newly learnt beep- beeps (Hate you Delhi Belly) as Farhan promptly questioned and rejected the idea with a simple, "WHY?" and the obviously wet- behind -the- ears assistant retreated .
We entered the lift ,one young mom waived her ticket and informed Farhan that she was looking forward to the movie. Zoya was fussing over her hair looking in the lift mirror just like any other girl and specially like Cookie.I took the opportunity to thank Farhan for saving his assistant from a nasty retort ( don't blame me from hiding the beep-beep part,girls in their forties are also entitled to 'impressions' and stuff ).A shrug and a smile is all I got :-( and no, I was NOT expecting a hug) .So Mr.Farhan,your status instantly got elevated from'I like him' to 'I am his fan'.
 I settled in my seat to be quickly joined by Hobbs first and cookie 5 min later.They glared at each other briefly,former for making him wait and latter for being left behind .Ah! all was well and soon they will be sharing popcorn till I remind them of my presence in the corner seat. That I did soon enough and they reassured me in unison that Muffin was in audi 5,safe, not to be disturbed ,and that the lights,ac, and all other switches at home  were off and the door was closed and yes, she made sure by pushing it thrice and by hanging on to the handle for 5 seconds.Satisfied ,I was ready for the movie .
I loved the movie.Paisa wasool for me as I soaked in the sights,scenes,humor,drama..the works..Couldn't believe,petite Zoya created another fine art.I loved her' Luck by chance' .She is talented and this movie proved that her earlier success and this, was not just luck by chance.Go watch it,ignore one song in the middle and you will love it .I did.

Meditation- In lighter vein about ' The concentration camp'

If you turned 40years and do not know how to meditate yet,you are doomed.It is fashionable to be able to meditate anytime, anywhere.People will come up to you to tut-tut you in your face if you reveal the disability.I have faced looks of disbelief even at international conferences.If you are desi and you don't know it ,well ,it is strange! Not being religious is still ok but not being able to meditate.... is weird.

Cookie used to depend on her senior's notes all through her schooling years and the senior's mom took advantage of this dependence and conned me into attending this one day, introductory meditation course at her home .What I believed was concern for my well being ,was actually a clever ,well thought of marketing ploy that she was trained in.It was a roomful of kurta clad people closely packed in a small living room. Head of the ceremony glanced once in a while at every entrant as they took their seats, not forgetting to bow down in respect before they did so.I sat close to the exit after making sure ,a) the host had seen me enter,b)my belongings, including the borrowed notes were within reach,c) I was not in direct line of vision with respect to guruji.All this, just in case..you know ..what I mean! 

   Without much ado,it started.Sit in sukhaasan ,close your eyes and relax.., a voice said.I glanced around,all eyes were closed so I closed mine and gave up resisting .Might as well give this my best shot .Who knows ,this could be it..my struggle to be able to meditate might be over ,finally.After a loonnng deafening silence,the voice (sing-song is a must ) urged us to rela.....kkk...sss..concentrate on each body part and rela..kkk...sss.This is where I always get stuck.How do people do both ,concentrate and relax at the same time??All my life I have been taught to either CONCENTRATE or RELAX. Sorry dad,you were wrong.I opened one eye to spot any sign of similar problem faced by anyone around.None!All eyes were closed ,all looked in sync.I closed my eyes again.I had lost precious time by then and the class had already relaxed their ankles after their toes and feet .Let me try and relax my ankle and go up with the class ,may be my feet will follow I hoped .The more I concentrated on each body part ,more I became aware of hitherto unknown aches and pains.Toes and feet groaned under the weight of my body or may be they felt left out and hence protested.By the time the class relaxed their forehead I gave up and waited for the next step.

  If relaxation was difficult,breathing must be a breeze ..after all that's what you do to live and you do not even know about it.Well,next fifteen minutes were a revelation.I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO BREATHE..and I WAS ALIVE!!. Concentrate where your breath is now,can you feel it in your toe..feel it..now it is in your knee..WTH  !I could not feel it beyond  my belly..that's it ,last stop.. and then it came back  up and outa my mouth.OMG, now they are telling me my breath is as shallow..! If nothing else,I got to learn this.I tried harder this time,inhale deeeeply ,fill your lungs ,hold and then what?I missed !!Determined not to make a mistake,I held my breath till my face turned red and then heard that they had progressed to abdominal breathing by then.So what do I do now..hold it ,leave it ,what?! Survival instinct took over from there and I..survived by breathing the way I knew . 

  It was close to an hour by now and my lower extremities were experiencing pins and needles .My body witth closed eyes was swaying left and right shifting weight to ease the discomfort but was  mistaken for a trance by many present as my host confirmed later.Afterwards ,it just did not matter as I did not feel my limbs by the time we moved to Post meditation Praanayaam .
 If you feel that was the end of day one,experience one..,you are in for a big surprise much as I was when a voice asked me to come forward and take a seat next to Guruji who had a serene smile and was looking at me approvingly.I was supposed to share my experience with the gathering.All eyes on me I felt like a kid on first day to school.Dry mouth (lack of oxygen due to breathholding) ,panic,fixed feet syndrome(what you can not feel you can not move,as simple as that), strong urge to turn around and run and a stronger urge to scream for mother ,all at once were felt at that time by me.My age (curse that) prohibited me from doing anything childish. I slid forward to the coveted spot without getting up and sized up the gathering.I wanted a glass of water but since no one else felt the need , I wet my lips and swallowed hard.
 I said what I felt in one sentence ,dry mouth,short of breath,numbness in my body and the realization that I did not know I could breathe .Applause!! and then more approving looks followed.:D.That was when my host whispered in my ears that my gentle swaying did not go unnoticed and that everyone was impressed and also that I was blessed. Blessings be upon her,if only she knew the secret to my swaying.
   Meanwhile, lady sitting next to me at the course offered to drop me home and I gladly accepted.She told me she had calmed down a great deal and was a regular at the class.As she said that a car with blaring music zipped by too close for comfort and our lady at the wheel stood hard on the brakes and hurled choicest  abuses aimed at no one in particular and in the next breath continued with the benefits of meditation.Anger management indeed! Vent it out seemed more like it ;-) .
  Readers may note that my tryst with meditation is my experience only,rather lack of it and by no means a generalization of any sort.It just means that I lack the skills and concentration levels required to meditate successfully .May be I am too entangled in Maya ,may be its too early for me,may be I need to be more serious in life ,I don't know...No use fretting though,I am sure I'll know when the time is right.

                                                                                     

Till then.. no more meditation,no more Concentration Camps for enhancing concentration..I will just do what I know best,RELAX!! :p

kahin par kuch toh...

कहीं पर सुखा होगा ,कहीं पर सावन होगा ,

जहाँ पर  बीज होगा,वहीँ पर अंकुर होगा... 

          

              कही पर डेरा होगा,कहीं बसेरा होगा,

              जहाँ पर रैन कटेगी वहीँ सवेरा होगा..

कहीं पर मिलना होगा,कहीं बिछड़ना होगा,

जहाँ पर दरिया होगा वही पर संगम होगा ...

             कहीं अकेला होगा,कहीं पर साथी होगा,

             जहाँ पर दुनिया होगी वहीँ पर मेला होगा .....

कहीं पर खुशियाँ होंगी ,कहीं पर मातम होगा,

जहाँ पर वीरान होगा वहीँ पर मरुस्थल होगा ...

             कहीं पर डोली होगी, कहीं पर अर्थी होगी, 

             जहाँ पर कन्धा होगा ,वहीँ सहारा होगा...

THE LAST THOUGHT ON HER MIND BEFORE SHE DIED-HER CHILD OR HERSELF?

My clinic assistant followed me inside my cabin,waited till I settled down and blurted out,-"You know what,Gee, your patient ,is no more".
Me--Are you serious,THE chanchal Gee!Why,HOW?Wait a minute,wasn't she scheduled to be in today!?"
ASST.-"That is how we came to know.We called her up,and her sister Ell gave us the news."They don't know whether it was suicide or murder.

     Gee's mother worked as domestic help for me years back,that's how I knew them.Gee and her sister Ell tagged along with the mother daily.Gee,a naughty 12 year old,was a complete contrast to her sister Ell.Since I  was very strict about not engaging minors' help and they had nowhere to go,both would spend time with Cookie my daughter while their mother finished her chores. Ell would sit quietly in her place and Gee would be a handful to contain in one place."Didi bore ho rahi hoon,please aaj jhaadu kar doon"? she would ask knowing fully well that I would refuse.Then she would sneak into the kitchen to ask her mother if she could help..or if nothing else she would just explore around asking thousand questions.She was naughty,smart,intelligent,very aware,jugaadu,and above all eager to learn.She was a positive person certainly not the kind who would commit suicide.

I shifted and lost touch with them for years till she surfaced one day at my clinic.She was a smartly dressed woman ,a trained beautician,was married and a mother too.S he came for her regular check-ups and treatments off and on and continuously jabbered .I was used to switching off in the middle of her monologues..Now I regret,feel guilty..what if I could have had a clue about what she was going through...did she hint anytime,and I missed...
No point in reliving the past ,I know ..

   Her  in-Laws said it was self immolation in a fit of rage over some  petty issue between husband and wife but the parents insisted that the husband set her on fire after the bitter fight.She got tired of giving him minute by minute account of her whereabouts and a bitter fight ensued leading to the tragedy.The husband too sustained burns in the scuffle  and passed away a week later.Their only son,a 5 year old was scarred for life,not physical but the deeper kind...the invisible emotional scars.
 
Till the parents were alive, both set of grandparents vied  for the child's attention,and now suddenly he is yearning  for theirs.No one wants a lifetime liability...poverty does that to people I guess.I wonder about the child though,
-will he blame his parents to have left him in this situation, to face the whole world..
-will he be bitter in life and think of his parents as selfish,reckless individuals..
-will he be exploited in any way by relatives under the guise of  support...
-will he always wonder as to what was his fault in the whole situation,right from the decision of his parents to bring him into this world till the time they suddenly decided to leave him alone...

So what is it that drives people to be so reckless in their actions? .What is that last thought that pushes people off the edge--when nothing else matters BUT that decision to end- all.?Do people who survive that moment,repent ...

Lots of questions,scores of explanations in the medical science but no inroads into the mind of the person standing at the edge...one who can see nothing beyond NOTHINGNESS.
      

THE DAILY CHALLENGES ..AND MY COPEBOOK

Took time off on Saturday to be around cookie(daughter) for her exams.While she poured over her books,I poured over mine in between demands of tang,coffee,sandwich,'press- my- head 'etc.Eleven books down and I am on my twelfth which is taking longer than expected what with cookie's  exams,muffin's (son's) vacations and hence boredom ,maids on leave,packed appointments at workplace etc.How am I coping?? Not so bad with all my hair in place I should say.
In my race with myself to read more,I tried reading two three titles simultaneously but such attempts slowed down the reading part and robbed me of reading pleasure..so not my cup of tea, I say.Somehow I  like to pick up something to read,and prefer to keep it back on the shelf ,once done ,line- one to the -end.....kind of keeps me connected to the author and the subject.
My daily challenges sound benign but they are enough to keep you away from any thing that needs concentration,reading is one of them.

 As if I was not time -challenged enough,muffin's school decided to start earlier this year ,that means no late nights which are so essential ( any book-worm will agree).Sigh, will have to reschedule my timetable!Again!!

 Sometimes it is the shrill doorbell that brings you back to the harsh reality from the picturesque setting of your new novel,or the cook bangs the door  just when the TDH guy in the book is in the middle of a romantic interlude .

If you are enjoying a horror story,the haunted house you are exploring with bated breath,will come alive in reality with the sharp ,shrill ,ear-splitting scream belonging to Cookie as Muffin just threw a  rubber lizard at her.The next hour is devoted to them to ensure no one gets killed.

 Juggling all of that and much more through the day,night time is the best time or so I thought until Muffin broke the news of his changed school timings !!

In the midst of mad morning rush Muffin mumbled something through  mouthful of Chocos today,something to the tune of  hate  -hindi-talk -come- school-bus.I did not pay much attention as my yoga teacher was demanding mine(attention) at that very precise moment sitting idle on her mat waiting for me to finish my chores. I realized it  when the maid called to inform about the missing muffin well past his return time.Damn!!was I supposed to pick him up?Mad rush ensued again...call,coordinate,pacify,run..and 40 minutes of confusion later there he was at home safe and sound..

 Three days into school and I walk like a zombie already.

HIGH TIME FOR A FRESH TIMETABLE.