I Wanna Run - A new year resolution!

                                                 courtesy,Google images

Hey!New born year..
Hello!Sunny Sun..Listen!
I just wanna Run!

Aches and pains, please surrender..
From darkness till dawn,
I just wanna Run!

Empty ,hollow promises..
Remember,we are done!
I just wanna Run!

Feet,take me far..
With My Mind,here I come,
I just wanna Run!

Till I feel the flush on my cheeks
and a rush in my veins..
I just wanna Run!

Thoughts ,pack your bags..
Ideas,please be fun..
I just wanna Run!

Dear Haruki Murakami,
--thanks a ton!
2013 marathon, I won't chicken..( Half marathon please :0)
I just wanna Run..and I will Run !!

 :D:D New year promise by a lazy-bone to herself :D:D

Pain

The Pain...
creeps in..unseen,
ebbs and flows in my veins..

The Pain..
like a stab in my chest
grips my being,
swells... and scales the crest..

I know not its pith,
nor can see it coming,
yet,it seizes with a vise so tight,
it's oh so vexing to unhitch.

Nest not ,the mind said
but the heart delves deep..
deeper into the labyrinth,
where the ache is staid

Wake up kid !

Disclaimer-This post does not talk about creating awareness of any kind in the minds of kids .It also says nothing about real awakening of any sort.It is only about the very mundane aspect of leaving the bed at an unearthly our to go to school every single day for at least fourteen years of your life.Any coincidence of any kind is purely not unintentional because that is how all kids are, or so I am told ( by my kids ).
                                                     

Life has been difficult in my case with Cookie leaving her teens a few days back and Muffin entering his teens at almost the same time.Parenting teens can be a daunting task and I have poured about my times with teens here before.No credit points to myself for keeping a gap of seven years between kids.What was I thinking if at all I was!!By the time I am through with their teen age , I will be on the threshold of my old age .

I love all kids....
I love kids if they are mine...
I love kids more if they are sleeping...
I do not feel the same when I have to wake up kids..

Things are more complicated for me because I keep late nights ,reading,studying , writing or gossiping with Hobbs ( men do gossip and whoever says they do not, is lying ) So the sleep time is flexi but wake up time has to be precise or else things come to a standstill .Alarms are a must for for people like me who are not born with a functional built in body-clock-cum-alarm.Hobbs is gifted that way but he does not like sharing his gifts so I have to heavily depend on external alarms.To help us cope with everything in-time,all the other clocks are deliberately adjusted ahead of time.This is the only way to manage time .

                                                courtesy-Google images                      
The sequence of events for me ,first alarm---->;snooze---->; Blackberry-ping to the kids------>; second alarm----->;leave the bed----->;stumble down to kids bedroom---->;shut the ac , put on the lights ---->;hug and kiss sleeping beauties.
The sequence of events for kids ,ignore ping from mom--->;pull sheets closer---->;tuck in tight to cover all body parts especially the cheeks to avoid early morning wet kiss from mom--->;make enough room for mom to hug without making it obvious.A warm hug is welcome but a kiss is not.Since I like to follow my heart, I steal the moment (plus, it works as a daily dose of energizer for me :p).

Pinging merely conditions their subconscious mind and prepares them for the sequence of events but does nothing to the actual process of waking them up.Actual process starts with the next phase of action which I call 'shake up kids'.This starts as a gentle nudge and ends at that on most days .Since cookie is in college and considers bunking as her birthright ,nudging may not be enough when she has intentions of bunking.On such days what I hear is a feeble mumble "there is nothing important today and plus I am not well mom!!"  A mother has to be extremely quick with her next POA and in such situations it demands remove covers, forehead-check,neck-check (for fever),and declare " you are fit to resume duties" .A forced feeble groan escapes followed by lot of sighs...but all are to be ignored.

After the sickness issue is resolved you see cute index fingers raised to plead for "just oneeee more minute mom ,promise, laaasst ..'' I have to kill my soft motherly instincts at this point to avoid raising uneducated kids.My tone changes steadily in sharpness and pitch as I call out their names alternately.I am so bloody habituated to this routine that I sometimes do this on Sundays and holidays too.Thankfully no one is up early on those days so it is still a secret well kept.

Earlier when they were younger ,I had this additional job of knocking on the bathroom doors every five minutes  to make sure they were doing what they were supposed to do inside a bathroom.They used to keep the water running in the bath while they caught a few extra winks sitting on the pot :D:D.That phase is over and done with now .Small mercies!!

Once they are dressed and ready you feel like borrowing their energy and enthusiasm from them.Leaving behind a trail of things,they are out of the house in a jiffy.I walk behind and wait till the lift door shuts noisily.I make myself a cuppa chai and settle down for some uninterrupted me-time at leisure with the morning papers.Another day beckons...

Do I need religion in my life ?

I have blogged before about my inability to meditate.After yet another foiled attempt,I questioned myself-why am I coming back to it again and again?Is it the fear of defeat-that, this is something,I can not do and others can?Do I care if people ridicule me on my failure while they gloat over how divine the experience was?
I just want to experience how it feels..once! What does meditation achieve? Peace of mind is the answer most commonly given by successful ( in meditating) people.Hmm..then what ?I have two experiences while in the process of meditation-
1.sudden rush of hitherto non existent ideas and list of things to be done at once and the strongest urge to leave and take charge,or
2. go to sleep.
Former is most definitely not anywhere close to peace of mind and if by any chance someone says that the second reaction is closer to the feeling of being at peace..then I am sorry I beg to differ.A state of inactivity called peace of mind is not what I am looking for.

While my mind was in a state of unrest and I was scanning my sources for answers,I chanced upon a couple of lines staring at me in the airport bookshop.It was Khushwant singh .I have read and re-read most of the uninhibited ,passionate works of both Khushwant singh and Amrita Pritam. To say ,I love them, would be an understatement. The book was promptly picked up and surprise,surprise..it was on God and religion..another field that intrigues me.Coming back to the lines, the author beautifully put forth that if meditation was necessary for peace of mind,why was a calm mind necessary in the first place?All the inventions and discoveries are a result of very agitated minds.Creative,artistic thinking minds are restless.
True that,and I second that!

I am never convinced that one should look for answers within.What answers ,pray?!What truth?Of why and how was I born??How..I know ,science taught me and I am convinced.Why....I do not care.I was born,I am alive,I believe in the abundance of nature and my role in it and most importantly..I need to work and contribute in my little or big way towards working of this intertwined thread called life.Period. Through this journey,I shall not believe in what texts (religious or otherwise) say .I shall trust my eyes,ears and experiences to form my own constitution which shall abide by the constitution of the place I live in, at any particular time.I may be born a Hindu but that will not be the backbone of my existence.I do not need any religion to live.All religions have beliefs which constrict my view.I do not like confinement.If I say I believe,I am admitting to a doubt lurking under the surface.I want to only trust....myself.
Osho says,religions have done utmost disservice to humanity by confining believers to a system of this is right and all else is wrong and by suppressing his instinct to explore on his own and find out by himself.(Read a wonderful post on right and wrong by the blunt blogger here) Osho explains by giving a beautiful example of a plastic flower and a real flower.Plastic flower is belief-manufactured,does not take birth or die,does not grow or change.If you do not want it ,you have to destroy it.Trust is real flower,born,nurtured,grows ,evolves and is existential in its being.
  Freud saw religion as 'a universal obsessional neurosis' ,Ellis viewed it as equivalent to irrational thinking and emotional disturbance.
To many,these philosophers may seem extreme in their thinking but to me they make sense because,philosophy and science are based on logic ,experiments,their conclusions and facts and most importantly,they are constantly being challenged ,questioned and hence they EVOLVE.Religion on the other hand is stagnant,based on something that was relevant and moral then, at that time when the texts were written. Who questions religion,who challenges? My mom taught me drinking was immoral and my mind was accordingly conditioned.If my daughter takes a sip,does that make her immoral? Is being gay,immoral,as was once thought? While the aspect of morality has been questioned,over a period of time,religious beliefs have remained largely unquestioned.Fanaticism of the religious kind has led to wars not atheism.
I do not want to subscribe to something that does not evolve and change according to time.If religion is needed to keep the society in check,to tell them what is right and wrong,then universal laws are good enough to do the job.We have evolved and have the empathy to understand what will bring harm to another human being or society ,so why do we need fear of religion?If you do this,God will punish you or you will rot in hell! Why should I live in fear? Fear is not liberating!The thought of doing no harm to anyone  is!! I could never subscribe to the fear psychosis associated with God and religion.I am sure we have all observed that the most devout are those who sin the most.Charity to humanity is a yes,to places of worship -a big NO.

When in doubt,I just need to put myself in the position of the other person and I am sorted,well mostly!That almost sums it up for me.I am human,I err,but I am free to question and learn.No religion can teach me  peace.I am at peace :))

ऋतू - नामा

गीली धरती के तर ओंठों की ओर,
झुकी जाती हैं डालें ...
                              रीझी - रीझी सी सराबोर

                               
                       
                         




courtesy Google images

 कसक अनजानी सी जगाई यूँ है ,
  के  रुत बदली- बदली सी और            
                              ये  फिजा इठलाई सी क्यूँ है .                


मेघों की  रवानगी के बाद ,                                                                                  
सर्द रातों की ठंडक और ,
                             फिर इंतज़ार एक नर्म - नम आगोश का

                         
                         
                         
 गर्मियों की तपिश और सुलगती धूप....
  तेरे बाद ही लागे  प्यारी
                            गुलाबी सर्दियों की वो ऊब


इक आनी जानी रुत है और आता जाता जीवन
इक दुःख का ये पल है देखो
                         पीछे खड़ी ख़ुशी  है ...

                                                              ~०००००००~    

                 
                                                                                                           

                           
                                  

Prisoners of the mind- Part II

This is part ii of the series .Readers are requested to read part i before this to understand the story better.

They kept him sedated for the night. Namit woke up late in the morning with a splitting headache and a vacuum in  the pit of his stomach.Mom! he called out feebly,holding on to his head.Two arms supported him as he struggled to get up from his bed.Slowly he opened his eyes and blinked to see strangers around in an alien world.Then it all came back to him ...the events of last night. He still could not fathom why his mom did this to him.She who was his world, she who slipped him little 'I love you' notes in his school lunch box.She who was his constant companion,friend,guide and pillar of support. She was the only one who he could discuss all his future plans with.How could she let the others know about his future plans? How could she betray his  trust?How could she do this?Did dad know?Of course he did not!

He gazed around to search for his phone and realized that he was in hospital garb and his bed side was devoid of anything he could all his own.Nothing ,except his body and soul was his own and now he had a serious,nagging doubt about that too.How bad was he? What did he do?He could not answer his own questions but if he was here,surely he must have managed to do something at home !The doctors were on their morning rounds.They approached his bed and he lay down quietly for them to complete the physical examination.He heard them talk about some tests to be run and few samples to be collected. Substance abuse also cropped up in their discussions. He decided to have a talk with the senior doctor to seek answers to his questions.

Shagun stepped out of the shower and popped a painkiller to ease her body ache.She sat down to gather her drained strength .She closed her eyes only to see a dark tunnel with no  light at the other end.Doctors she spoke with on the phone,were optimistic about the treatment but non- committal about the outcome.So does that mean,they were going to grope in the dark while Namit was inside ? She looked at the clock and hurried with the breakfast and lunch before she left for the hospital. They wanted her consent for something she was told.

At the stroke of eleven,the ward boy told Namit that his mom was in the visitors lounge .Namit tripped on his own feet to meet the most loved person in his life and then stopped suddenly in his tracks. His mind started racing and his emotions surging with a new found intensity.He thought of just going and hugging her close.He always felt secure in her arms. This was different situation altogether,he had to find an answer..what was it that pushed her into taking such a drastic step?Tell her to go away ...he heard a voice say..he barely recognised the voice as his own.Ward boy came back with a bag of clothes,some essentials and a big lunch box--the one that he carried to school. He knew that the note was there inside and he never had longed to see that as much as he did now. He turned his back towards the door and cried himself to sleep.

Shagun sat till evening and came back.She knew he will come around eventually and she was ready to wait.Each day she came with his favorite food which was shared by the staff and other patients at the end of the day.Namit did not touch the box...it was not the food that interested him...it was the notes.A young girl slipped them under his bed every day without a word.She was the young counselor as he came to know much later .Fourth day,Shagun decided to take the first step in her son's direction.She observed his movements that day and knew that the moment had come.Her determination,her self confidence flew out of the window as the moment approached.Her heart pounding furiously,she tried smiling as she saw Namit approach her bench.

He looked pale and tired.His gait was slow and unsure.His eyes were red , his hair was cropped and he had lost weight .She wanted to hold his hand and take him far away.She can manage surely,as she had done till now.At least HE will be happy in that situation.She knew the heavy medication will cause further side effects like wobbling of feet,tremors in extremities and general blunting of  reflexes.She brushed aside the thoughts as she remembered last month's events.Mania, suicidal tendencies,danger of harming oneself..and the pressing need for rehabilitation in such a situation.She closed her eyes momentarily to clear the thoughts and take charge of her emotions.

Namit walked slowly towards Shagun after hesitating for a minute,sat down beside his mom at some distance.Shagun closed the distance and held him close .Mother and son sat there for a long time silently.Then he asked for food.I have not eaten he said....They may have been feeding my body through these tubes but I am hungry ma ...very hungry ...and suddenly the cloud burst....drenching the two in the process and washing away all traces of anger ,hurt and doubt.

Prisoners of the mind- Part 1

Kalki was rudely woken up from her  deep slumber.It was her cell phone.Must be a patient in pain,she thought and promptly picked up the phone.She heard a muffled cry at the other end.When her hello failed to fetch a response,she checked the number and jumped out of the bed .It was Shagun and she knew what this call was all about.It was going to be a long call as she quietly walked out of her bedroom .
"Shagun, hang on,calm down will you and please tell me what this is all about."
"Kalki, I am scared,very scared...something is wrong with Namit . His neck is twitching ,his eyes are blood red and he looks dazed. Manav is not in town and I do not know what to do!
"Tell me quickly,what happened ..Where was he all day,did he drink, any medicines he ingested that day before this happened."
 Shagun had a doubt that Namit was into some kind of substance abuse. She thought,he picked it up during his college stint abroad.
Being a friend and a doctor,Kalki was Shagun's confidante.Shagun often called her up to seek advice or to  crib,vent out her frustrations or for plain gossip.
"Namit wanted to do hukka and when I took him shopping,he kept insisting  that I let him go with his building friends.I refused obviously lest he go and do hukka at some shady joint but later bought him one to smoke non tobacco, flavored hukka at home .We had dinner as usual,he had severe cold so I gave him prescribed medicines and a cough syrup .His childhood friend came over to stay so I went off to sleep. I woke up to strange noises and saw Namit in this state.The friend is scared and won't speak up.What do I do ??"
Kalki's fears were true, Namit managed to do it yet again.She shot few quick questions at her friend about Namit's activities, woke up another doctor friend to confirm that nothing was serious and then consoled her friend on phone.She kept track  of Namit's condition on phone for a while and hung up as he went off to sleep after having a few glasses of water.Both women were awake through the darkness.
Namit's life as she knew it, flashed like a movie in front of her eyes as Kalki settled down with a cup of tea in the living room. It pained her to see Namit in this pitiable state.he had always been an extraordinarily brilliant student,an all rounder,and a member of Mensa owing to his high IQ levels. He always had behavior issues since childhood. He was in and out of the principal's office. When complaints became one too many,and switching schools almost like a habit, he was referred to clinical psychologists for counselling. Shagun always walked that extra mile with him. Namit resented counselling but at times,would himself urge Shagun to take him. He changed doctors too, stating that they were not competent enough to understand his mindset.
Manav being out of town for most part, played the indulgent parent while Shagun was more practical of the two.Namit went to best boarding schools, went abroad for graduation , left studies halfway,switched to aviation studies ,left again.In short this was his story,intelligence coupled with fickle mindedness .He had peaks and valleys of  highs and lows in his life.It got worse when he went to the USA .Shagun sensed something was amiss whenever she spoke to him. He spoke enthusiastically about some aircraft manufacturing at times and was severely depressed and spoke about ending his life at others.His girlfriend had ditched him and he was depressed about that.Shagun did not have to coax him much, Namit decided to come back to India on his own.
 Kalki observed that Namit had changed ,he looked different,his gait was slow and his eyes...well they had no life.Kalki knew the signs,she was all too familiar with the look. Now she listened to Shagun's routine talk about her son more intently and made a mental note of significant signs.Some notes read thus:
-He walked out of the house in the dead of night leaving the house open and came back on his own.Why is he so desperate for smoke?Does he do drugs?
-He ran down spotting something across the street and when he came back he was fuming ..he said he saw a man troubling another across the street and he ran to save the poor man.There was not a soul on the street as Shagun observed from her window.
-Kalki ,he is obsessed with the idea of manufacturing aircrafts and selling them to the world....please drill some sense in him.
-He plays a particular game in which he lives another life online at a stretch for 24 hrs,without eating ,or getting up ,like someone obsessed, Shagun once complained.
-He says he knows the tricks to be a perfect mafia man ..
Meanwhile,his violent side was surfacing more often where he would get abusive and aggressive towards his family.Kalki's concerns were true..and she was scared for the boy and the family.She researched ,consulted and suggested few experts whom Shagun could consult and she did over a period of time.After multiple visits to various experts in the field,there were two words ominously raising their ugly heads-bipolar and schizophrenia.Suspected substance abuse had to be investigated before arriving at a definitive conclusive  diagnosis.
Namit would refuse to visit docs and when he did ,would try his best to mislead them...he knew the answers to their questions...he had heard them all.Shagun was worried for his sibling ,more so when he slipped into aggression.Manav couldn't be relieved from his job and Shagun was alone to handle the situation.After many table discussions,it was decided to treat him under institutional care where ,round the clock medicinal treatment and counselling was available.
There was only one such place in the city and they were well equipped to handle such patients.She drove him down to the institute after he reluctantly agreed to consult a psychiatrist. Shagun's heart bled at the thought of what she was forced to do.She drove in silence,holding back her emotions.The staff was prepared for the visit.The huge grilled door opened slightly to allow one person at a time, Namit was swiftly ushered in and before she could blink,the door snapped shut..locked automatically.Shagun did not have any time to explain..she was searching for words on the way...how she will prepare him for this phase and now ,here, she stood without a chance to even say farewell for a few days.
She looked at her child and froze.Her baby's eyes were wide in disbelief .Hurt and betrayal were conveyed from across the grill. words had no place in this widening space between the mother and son.
As she retraced her defeated steps,she knew in her heart that he would never understand and she clutched at her chest where it pained like it was stabbed.
He looked at the retreating frame he knew as his mother and could not fathom why??He too slept under the influence of medicines behind the grill door clutching his heart where it hurt very bad.
They will never be a medicine to shoo away this pain...
They were two prisoners ,of their own minds.

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